The black ink swallows even the strongest light.

Fri, 30 May 2008 08:08:11 GMT

myspace
facebook
now deviantart

there is no place void of the coppery taste of betrayal
nor the rancid taste of ruin.

it is good to know that my mind will continue to fester. and you will grow to loathe me forever more and more as time wears on

dieing

Thu, 29 May 2008 08:47:38 GMT

I dont want to breathe anymore
not that i can with these tears streaming down
how can i let it go when its everywhere?
all around me, you help to make sure
my brain is fractured
my mind has already shattered
if you wish to no longer know,
you'll only know by reading it here
i dont want to wake in the morn
I plan on drowning
in a sea of pills and watered down sweet tea
maybe im really one of the kinds of girls you hate
im fairly sure of it now
I guess its time to say Good Night
or maybe its time to finally "fuck off"
I'll close my eyes and think of dreams
but really there is only darkness behind my lids
Elle the mini elephant you gave me
is still safe in my arms
her fake fur soaks up my tears
and brings me painful comfort
a memory of a happy day
drifts off with me
into the darkness of sleep
that I no longer look forward to leaving.

I want loneliness with you

Tue, 27 May 2008 08:15:26 GMT

my lips are sealed,
as the tears slide down
sobs wreak havoc,
some silent, some loud,
the body quivers and convolves
my eyes slide shut,
i can feel my mascara smudge
as my fists rub away
the water on my lashes
the shower water is warm, at times hot
as it caresses my skin
water pools near my nose,
threatening to come in
my water darkened hair,
slides toward the drain
i dont want silence
or the white noise of water
or my sobs that echo in this place
but the sound of that shower curtain,
so ruff and harsh,
being pulled back
the sound of feet stepping into water
the feel of hands running shampoo through my hair
while knees support my sitting body,
all lets me know, I'll be ok again soon.
Soon in this place with you, this place I think of as home.

Wed, 14 May 2008 05:51:41 GMT

i cant even say what i really want too.

Fri, 09 May 2008 15:15:16 GMT

ok so im probablygoing to fail Jap 102 and cal 1. im tired and i dont want to take thiscal 1 exam. i study for it, but i understand like, none of it. i hate it. im still wondering if i want to be an engineer, and if not, whata i should look into...i no longer am sure about anything. >.< sucks man.

Tue, 06 May 2008 00:52:07 GMT

I hope it ends badly, bt im that kinda person. I dont like being burned. Finals suck >.

creeeeeeeepy

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 20:38:27 GMT

so today, I drove around in Ray;s car while he was at work, and then i ent and bought him ice cream at pulix since its almost right beside Bento's. He called me while I was at the check out and just told me to stay there and he would meet. so I put the ice cream in the car and waited outside the store. Across publix, there is a small apartment complex. ok well, this guy came out of the aprt. and he was like, late 20s to mid 30s or so (i couldnt see him that well...but still...) he could have also been just an older college student or something I dont know. but he comes out..then he goes back in...and comes back out with a freakin CAMERA!!!! i saw him point the camera at me...and it kinda fraked me out..so I moved over so a car was blocking me...so HE moved over so he continued to take my picture. Freaked out I waved at him like, "hello, please stop." but he just continued to point his camera at me. so I moved again behind the car while watching him thru the car windows so I could continue to hide. Then Ray finally came out and needed to go into Publix. as we were walking in I looked back and THE GUY WAS STILL THERE WITH HIS CAMERA POINTED AT ME!!!! D: WTF? I'm freaked out. not cool. >.>

ok, so this was arond 9:30 or so sat night.

generally it turned out to be a bad day, my fault.

yay for horrible spelling! XDDDDDD

Hurt toes

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 05:35:28 GMT

My toes hurt, but I wanted to feel.
feel something other than that dark depression
that sense of betrayal
put on your dancing shoes
and tip toe around
hold in your screams of pain
you want this, remember?

yay

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 05:44:28 GMT

I'm happy. Ray and I are working things out i guess. It was rocky there,, made me panic today and then my radio betrayed me. >.> but I'm happy. and I get to go to huntsville this weekend so hopefully I can actually relax for once and stop being stressed into insanity. While Im still kinda hurt that TWINNY will end up cosplaying the same time we do...I trust that Ray's not going to ignore me again..and if he does...well, I'll just walk away.

Too much as be going on lately, and its causing me to have break downs AGAIn. I need a break from stress.

Hey Tiff, thanks for being there and worrying about me. I'm going to work things out with Ray tho. He really does make me happy, and he always there to help me when I'm stressed. I love him more than anything else, and I'm happy to know that you'll be there for me if i ever need you. ^_^.

Also, Ray's gonna wait till Utau is finished before he cosplays. ^_^ it makes me really happy (even tho Bur will be cosplaying as the same chara as ray while we are :( I dont really like that...at all...) BUT this just means I get to be utau! ^_^.

dead in depress

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 21:54:15 GMT

Bur is going to twin with Ray again. Because Ray told her about his cosplay. He doesnt remember promising me he wouldnt tell her. It was the same time I got him to promise not to wear akito again. I want US to cosplay. Now its not US. now its TWINNY. and now its dead to me. I cant cosplay Utau now. I've been fighting back tears all day today. I even told him the reason I didnt want him to tell her was because then she'd TWIN with him again.

I'm not going to try anymore. I'm not going to try to cosplay with him anymore. Its not the same for him as it is for me. To me its special, and now its dead. He can cosplay with his TWINNY XDDDDD!!!! all he wants. i quit.

She'll show up as his twin, and I'll just go hang out with Bryan or Matt or Jake or Tiffany or Carly or whoever.
But i cant be around the two of them with out bursting into tears, so I wont be. That way he'll be happy with his twin, and I wont be crying my eyes out in public or yelling at him.

death

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 08:01:23 GMT

In a fight with Ray, brennen;s goning t be his twin again. he broke his promise to me about telling her, he forgot the promise completely. he'll break up with me soon. today is a horrible day. i dont want to be here anymore.

manic depressive

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 07:10:02 GMT

why are promises to me not important? why cant they be kept.

depression

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 07:36:51 GMT

Yes I'm an utter ably horrible and selfish person. I'm totally not so stupid as to need you to remind me all the damn time. Im selfish...but so are you sometimes.

this whole..video thing...yea..its killing me. KILLING. But it makes you happy. and you get SOOOooo damn ANGRY if I let you know even a little bit of my displeasure. I dont really care about what you're doing w.your cosplay. you can do whatever you want, for the most part I wont get upset. I AM getting upset about it now because I cant say or do anything about the movie thing. I know you asked me...but you did it in a way I couldnt tell you no. I dont want you to do it. When you go to shoot it, I'll be here crying my fucking eyes out and probably scratching my arms into bloody messes AGAIN!

Wait, too late, havent even gone anywhere and I'm already crying.

I'm so tired of this. How can you think its ok to do something like this? HOW?! It's killing me! BUT IT MAKES YOU HAPPY. goddamnit. I'm tired of being this miserable.

Im so tired.

^_^

Sun, 09 Sep 2007 07:01:19 GMT

WAH WAH WAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I get to go to AWA!!!!!!!!! XD yayayayayayayayay. Im happy!!!!!

but now the math 113 lab im having to take on top of my math112 class is kicking my ass. The homework is stuff we havnt gone over in class, and arent in the chap. in the text. wtf? this is messed up. It took me from about 9:25- 1:oo to get 29 hw questions done. not even kidding. I have 2 more quizzes and 1 more hw to do in this math too >.< plus, I have 2 hw and 2 quizzes in math 112 due wed. a hiragana test mon, an english paper due wed, and a Jap expressions quiz thurs. ...damnit. THEN a math 112 TEST the DAY BEFORE AWA....well...at lest I get a vacation afterword...sorta. ^_^. mehhhhhhhh. Im tired.

also, I watched Resident Evil:Apocalypse tonight....the damn Zombies are after me again...>.> *grabs my .22rifel* it may not be that strong...but its the only gun Ive shot so far....bitches, you will DIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

dreams of frozen terror

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 13:56:31 GMT

I had a nightmare last night, poor Ray. I called him as soon as I could move (at 12:36). Have you ever had those dreams where you wake up in terror, and find you cant move for a sec? yeah >.> scary as shit isnt it. then i woke up early, and now I'm exhausted. I'm so tired its not funny. And I have my longest day ahead of me.Maybe I can sneak a nap before my math lab. >.< I wonder what Rays doing then...maybe he has a class....or maybe he'll let me use him as a pillow...*cackles* so tired >.

newnessness

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 02:07:01 GMT

so, fun dark period I had over this past school year, thank God I am now out of high school (dont think I'd survive another year >.>)

I'm doing much better than I had been, and now this lj is just to get things off my chest and document happenings seeing as I no longer have friends here...(Samie turned out a user and kinda shallow I guess. I have to wonder what her overall problem is, randomly pretending I dont exist even though we had to share a library desk every morning...well as Ally said: She Manipulated the Manipulator..really though, she blinded all of us. I'm ashamed of myself for falling for her little acts. >.<)

Ummmm so my penname is Dark Goddess Hekate on Fanfiction.net but God knows I havent updated at all recently...I will eventually. I dont want my stories to die out.

I have a boyfriend now, and unfortunately, a lot of this lj will be used to vent about him...>.>

I'm about to start college...a new adventure! I'm going to major in Mechanical Engineering. ^_^.
with a minor in Japanese (yay).

wtf?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Thu, 17 Aug 2006 14:37:43 GMT

$250-something freaking dollars for a freaking ring that I'm carrying around cuz I was gonna give it back to him, wtf on a MAJOR scale. I'm in shock.